An Old Friend

I have found solitude to be a place of internal witness open only to myself and God.  It is the place I reside even when I am with others.  I find solace, comfort and restoration in that place.  She is like an old friend that I have learned to love and miss when I am away.  Solitude welcomes me back every time I return from a life of busy goings on.  She knows what I need to hear and understands my sometimes ungrateful reaction to her spoken truth.

She is my best friend for she has proven that she can handle the realities of my existence and still care for me deeply.  Solitude is always waiting for me, chasing me and calling my name.  She is relentless in her pursuit of my time.  She craves my company and waits eagerly for my arrival.  I know that I am special when I rest in her arms.  She loves me with the love of a mother caring for a sick and hurting child.  She loves me with the love of a sister to whom I whisper all of my childhood secrets.  She loves me with the love of a friend who listens to my woes and railings against the world.  She loves me like a lover to whom my heart is forever drawn to.  She loves me for me.

I found solitude during the times I had to crawl out of my bedroom window, run down the alley and race to cross the tracks on Washington Avenue to use the phone booth.  Solitude was with me as I spoke to the police about the screams and the blood and the pounding of fists.  Solitude was with me as he stood outside the booth waiting to hurt me for trying to protect my mother.  Solitude stood up strong on my behalf and came in the form of a man on a bike who appeared out of nowhere.  Solitude made the coward run while she stood by the bike and waited with me for the police. 

I found her again in the journals I used to keep, the stories I wrote and the songs I penned.  I am not sure of when we first met.  I do not remember being introduced to her.  One day I just became aware of her presence.  I remember wanting to go away with her and trying to leave many, many times.  She would never allow me to stay permanently.  I always had to return to my own life.  Sometimes I would resist and try to force my way into her life forever.  I learned how to turn off everything that was painful and noisy.  I learned how to disassociate in a matter of moments.  My wonderful, loving friend faithfully brought me back and demanded that I stay connected to myself and my world.

Our relationship has grown deeply over the years.  I have been changed by her constant presence.  I used to beckon her but now she beckons me.  Reminding me of my first love.  Solitude has been my Eden, my place of healing and restoration.  Every time I return to her arms I am reminded of why I never want to leave.  She bathes me in compassion and acceptance.  She washes me in forgiveness and peace.  She mends my wounds and puts salve on my cuts.  She sings softly as her words tell me the truth of who I am purposed to be.  She reminds me that I am called to the greatness of loving myself and loving others.

Solitude is a love I will never relinquish for another.  She resides in the deepest, innermost regions of my soul.  She cannot be dislodged for her residence is eternal.  One day but I don't know when; she will beckon me home for good and I will gladly leave this place.  Until then, I will continue my secret sojournings into her arms while those around me are completely unaware.  Solitude, she is the lover of my soul.